-July: Favorite Selections- and Great Quotes by Great Ladies!

Posted on Sunday, August 29, 2004

-July: Favorite Selections-

I'm back tracking here a bit, didn't get a chance to provide this service for July.They will have to be my selections, since there is no other input for July.

Favorite Joke of July 2004
"Los Angeles, California Driver's Exam"
I don't know if it's because I have to drive in LA on occasion, but this one cracked me up big time!

Favorite Link of July 2004
"Want more energy? First round is on us. "
Yes, this is my main link and the best liquid nutrition out there. In fact, Life Force started this whole craze twenty years ago. People are just now catching on, so be careful of those copy cat products out there. :)

Favorite Comedian Link for July 2004
"Laurel & Hardy"
This is one of my favorite duo's and was the most difficult site for me to find.

Be sure and get your votes in for next month.
Send an e-mail to Laughsonline@ABCcash.biz
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posted by Diane Nivens @ 7:02 PM 0 comments
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Great Quotes by Great Ladies!

Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened.
-Cora Harvey Armstrong

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
-Janette Barber

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
-Lily Tomlin

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
-Carrie Snow

Old age ain't no place for sissies.
-Bette Davis

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
-Rhonda Hansome

The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
-Jane Sellman

Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows.
-Jennifer Unlimited

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
-Charlotte Whitton

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
-Caryn Leschen

I try to take one day at a time but sometimes several days attack me at once.
-Jennifer Unlimited

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
-Catherine

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb and I'm also not blonde.
-Dolly Parton

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
-Sue Grafton

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
-Elayne Boosler

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
-Gloria Steinem

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt
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...And God Created Man

On the first day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of 20 years. "The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me 10 years and I'll give you back the other 10." So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a 20-year life span." The monkey said, "How boring. Monkey tricks for 20 years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back 10, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of 60 years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life. You want me to live for 60 years? Let me have 20 and I'll give back the other 40." And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you 20 years." Man said, "What? Only 20 years? Tell you what, I'll take my 20 and 40 the cow gave back and 10 the monkey gave back and 10 the dog gave back. That makes 80, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

So that's why the first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next 40 years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next 10 years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grand children. And for the last 10 years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
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Ouch!

A man was suffering from a stomach ache, so he told his wife who suggested he try the tablets the Doctor had given her for a similar pain. After taking his wife's tablets for a week, the pain disappeared but he developed two rather tender lumps, one behind each ear.

He went to his doctor, showed him the lumps, and explained what had happened. Where by the Doctor called him all the fools under the sun, saying, "You bloody idiot! I was treating your wife for a fallen uterus; God knows how I'm going to get your balls back down!"
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Texas Chili Cook Off

Submitted by Sarah Evans of The Best Veg Web Site

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City park.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL. Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting so I accepted". Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)

CHILI # 1 EDDIE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 RONNY'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent fire house chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer...

CHILI # 4 DAVE'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300lb woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili anaphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

CHILI # 6 PAM'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 CARLA'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can ofchili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match myshirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 KAREN'S TOE NAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
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Generic Viagra?

Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Aleve is Naproxen, Amoxil is Amoxicillin, Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra and announced today they have settled on Mycoxafailin.

Also considered were:Coxafloppin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixadud, and Limpdixafixit.
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Plaque

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good mornin Alex." "Good morning pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Father McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:00 or the 11:00?
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Whoops

After years of married life, a man finds he is unable to perform.
He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things, but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind." And refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits, the psychiatrist confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say `1-2-3` and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?"

The witch doctor says "All you or your partner has to say is
"1-2-3-4" and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work
again for another year!"

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife
with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says
"1-2-3", and suddenly he gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says "What did you say "1-2-3" for?"
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Mothers From History

COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you
still could have written!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Can't you paint on walls like other
children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that
stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stove pipe hat?
Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?

MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to
school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade
than you."

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But it's your senior picture.
Can't you do something about your hair? OY! Styling gel, mousse,
something...?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you
throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance
good-bye!"

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you
invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have
to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew."
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Lunch With God

Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the beginning of the line there was a large pile of apples. A nun had written a note, "Take only one, God is watching."

At the end of the line there was a large stack of chocolate chip cookies. A boy wrote a note and left it on the cookies that said "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."
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Lion Tamer

Everyone is in awe of the Lion Tamer in a cage with a half dozen lions.

Everyone, except a school bus driver.

(I had to throw this one in because I am a school bus driver.)
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Water To Wine

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priests breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
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Out Drinking Again?

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he would crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that would sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN OUT DRINKING AGAIN!"

Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say that?"

"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."
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A Couple Cute Jokes

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

AND

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father." The little boy replied "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many." The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest getting impatient said, "I am the Father of hundreds," and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly ... but on leaving the bus he leaned over and said, "Well, maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."
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Bragging Rights

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together,
discussing how important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "my son is a priest.
When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father.'"

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard-bodied, well-hung, male stripper.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say, My God......"
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Ten Annoying Things

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no
dick.

3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

4. When people say, "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it
too." What good is a damn cake you can't eat?

5. When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of
course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

6. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No
idiot, I paid $7.50 to come to the theatre and stare at the fricken ceiling up there.

7. The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't". Well, I hope you don't drive sober either, Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake!

8. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?

9. When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new,
then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

10. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole, you pulled me over!
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You Know You're From Idaho If.....

Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.

"Vacation" means going to Boise.

You measure distance in hours.

You know several people who have hit a deer.

School classes were canceled because of cold.

School classes were canceled because of heat.

You've ridden the school bus for more than an hour each way.

You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

You think ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better."

You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July.

Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.

You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.

You know how to pronounce the name of the town of Buhl, Weippe or Kooskia.

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, or animal.

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.

You carry jumper cables in your car.

You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" are.

You only own 3 spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.

You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled
with snow and ice.

You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.

The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires 6 pages for cattle prices and sports.

You think that opening day of deer season is a national holiday.

You know which leaves make good toilet paper.

You find -20 degrees F "a little chilly."

You know all 4 seasons: Almost Winter, winter, Still Winter, and
construction.

You turn on your blinker after you start a turn.

You think your town is big if it has a traffic light.

You know Nampa, Caldwell, Meridian, Eagle and Middleton are NOT
synonymous with Boise.

You know gravel road shortcuts by heart.

At least three of your best friends work for the Forest Service.

You have a $100,000 income, and still wear cowboy clothes to formals.

You drive a 4-wheeler around town.

You don't even greet people who voted for Al Gore.

Elk City is an actual town and not a mere expression of the Idaho Wilderness Land.

Your chainsaw has a name.

The only time your dog stops barking is when it dies.

"Truck", "Pickup" and "Rig" have entirely different meanings and you bitch at people who use them synonymously.

You know very well what Rocky Mountain Oysters are.

Your town has about 3 bars per 100 people.

You have to travel over 20 miles to get groceries.

You have to stay all week in the town of your high school because its too far from home.

Coyotes are the main source of gang-related crime.

Your mayor, instead of driving a Mercedes drives an F350 Ford.

The best restaurant in town doesn't allow people under 21, even for breakfast.

You get fake ID's to drive.

You log for sport.

At the sight of an FBI symbol you tremble.

Contrast to what non-Idahoans think, you don't know a dang thing about the potato industry.

You can stand the smell of cow manure, Caldwell, Lewiston, and smoke.

You've never hunted Rattlesnakes or Porcupines.

People wonder what the color of your pickup would be without the dirt and bumper stickers.

Cars are the official rig of sissies.

Your rig has only one radio station. It plays only country, but you don't care.

Your county coroner has to campaign a conservative political platform to get elected.

You actually get these jokes and forward them to your Idaho friends.

(This really made me laugh and yes, I'm from Idaho, born & raised.)
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The Wisdom of Will Rogers

"Lettin' the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in."

"If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there."

"If you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around."

"Never kick a cow chip on a hot day."

"There's two theories to arguing with a women. Neither works."

"If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging."

"After eating an intire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him...
The moral of this is: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut."

"Never slap a man who has been chewing tobacco."

"It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep."

"The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket."

"Don't squat with your spurs on."

"Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment."

"Never miss a good chance to shut up."

"Always drink upstream from the herd."
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Mammogram

For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts,
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
And give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.

After 30 years of astute care,
My Doctor found a lump.
She ordered up a mammogram,
To look inside that bump.

"Stand up very close," she said,
As she got my boob in line.
"And, tell me when it hurts," she said.
"Ah yes! There, that's fine."

She stepped upon a peddle.
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate pressed down and down,
My boob was in a vice!

My skin was stretched and stretched,
From way up under my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish pancake thin.

Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's vice-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tits!

"Take a deep breath," she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.

"There, that was good," I heard her say
As the room was slowly swaying.
"Now let's have a go at the other one."
"Lord have mercy," I was praying.

It squeezed me from up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides,
I'll bet she's never had this done,
Not to her tender little hide!

If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have popped, Ker-pow!

This machine was designed by man,
Of this I have no doubt,
I'd like to stick his balls in there.
And see how they come out!
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Why? (Sorry guys)

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

5. WHY DON'T WOMEN HAVE MEN'S BRAINS?
(because they don't have penises to put them in)

6. WHAT DO ELECTRIC TRAINS AND BREASTS HAVE IN COMMON
(they're intended for children, but men usually play with them)

7. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock)

You're laughing, aren't you?

8. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)

9. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make the perfect final copy)

10. WHY IS A MAN'S PEE YELLOW AND HIS SPERM WHITE?
(so he can tell if he's coming or going)
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One Liners

1. How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids

7. What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bull fighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad
Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are A Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile!
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Bin Laden

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on a beach and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said "Master, may I grant you one wish?"

"You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything" barked Bin Laden.

The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment. Then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said "Very well, I want to awaken with three white women in my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you!"

The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared. The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tanya Harding, and Hillary Clinton.

His penis was gone, his knee was broken, and he had no health insurance.

God is good.
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Regarding The Bill

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass
surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.

He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not
spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
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Snappy Answers...

Snappy Answer #1
A stewardess was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Snappy Answer #2
A lady was picking through the frozen chickens at the supermarket, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the shelf stacker, "Do these chickens get any bigger?"
He replied, "No , they're dead."

Snappy Answer #3
The policeman got out of his car and the lad who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the policeman said.
The lad replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the lad on his way without a ticket.

Snappy Answer #4
A lorry driver was driving along. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman gets out of his car and walks around to the lorry driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck?"
The lorry driver says, "No mate, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol."

and Finally #5, THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR
A university lecturer reminds her students of tomorrow's final exam. "Now, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-arse bloke in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter.

When silence is restored, the lecturer smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
__________________________________________________

Sunday School Kids

Jesus' Dad's Name?
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's
name?"
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"
A little kid said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.

***********
KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old, Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A. Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.
They were ready to discuss the last one.
The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,
"Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a
Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of the prayer:
"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some
E-mail."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting
together in church.
Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,
"See those two men standing by the door?
They're hushers."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first
pancake, I can wait." Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to
their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the
blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I
invite all these people to dinner?"
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The Power of Prayer

After starting a new diet, I altered my drive to work
to avoid passing my favorite bakery. I accidentally
drove by the bakery this morning and there in the
window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no
accident, so I prayed, "Lord, it's up to you....if you
want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create
a parking place for me directly in front of the
bakery." And sure enough, He answered my prayer....on
the eighth time around the block, there it was!
__________________________________________________

Los Angeles, California Driver's Exam

Drivers Exam:

For those of you who are not "fortunate" enough to live in California, here is a copy of the California Driver's Exam, and for those of you who do, study real hard. This is a new exam. Since driving conditions (and culture) are unique in Los Angeles, you may not have realized that the California Department of Motor
Vehicles has now issued a special application and driver's test solely for the Los Angeles Metropolitan Area.

GREATER LOS ANGELES AREA DRIVER'S LICENSE APPLICATION:
Name: ___________________
Stage name: ____________________
Agent :___________________
Attorney: _______________________
Therapist name: _________________
Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ______both

*If female, indicate breast implant size: _______
Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way?
Yes___ No ___

Please list brand of cell phone: ________.
*If you don't own a cell phone, please explain:_______________

Please check hair color:
Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Red [ ] Orange [ ] Green [ ] Purple
[ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead

Please check activities you perform while driving:
(Check all that apply)
[ ] Eating
[ ] Drinking Starbucks coffee
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Shaving (male or female)
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the back-seat
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[ ] Snorting cocaine (already checked for your convenience)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop
[ ] Discharging firearms / Reloading

Please indicate how many times:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers _____
b) you expect to be shot at while driving _____

If you are the victim of a carjacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime.
b) Call Channel 9 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news in a high-speed chase.
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through.
d) Call your therapist.

In the event of an earthquake, you should :
a) stop your car
b) keep driving and hope for the best.
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones.
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 9.

In the instance of rain, you should:
a) never drive over 5 MPH.
b) drive twice as fast as usual.
c) you're not sure what "rain" is.

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week:
________________________________.

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac
b) Zovirax
c) Lithium
d) Zanax
e) Valium
f) Zoloft
g) All of the above
h) None of the above
*If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:
a) Less than 1 hour
b) 1 hour
c) 2 hours
d) 3 hours
e) 4 hours or more
* If less than 1 hour, please
explain:____________________.

When stopped by police, you should:
a) pull over and have your driver's license and insurance form ready.
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405 Freeway.
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit.

When turning, you should always signal your intentions by:
a) using your directional signals.
b) what is a "directional signal"?

Which part of your car will wear out most often?
a) the wiper blades
b) the belts
c) the horn

The "bright" setting on your headlights is for:
a) dark, poorly lit roads
b) flashing to get the car ahead to move out of the way
c) revenge!

Your rear view mirror is for:
a) watching for approaching cars
b) watching for approaching police cars
c) checking your hair
__________________________________________________

Window Sign

"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000

AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH A SINGLE AMERICAN"


This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia. You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country would be marching on this business... And that the National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back.

But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors simply make their statement. We are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty ...

And after all, it is just a sign.

You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?

Answer: A Funeral Home.
(Who said morticians had no sense of humor?)

You gotta love it!!!
__________________________________________________

Senior Citizen

I am a senior citizen. During the Clinton Administration,
I had an extremely good and well paying job. I took numerous
vacations and had several vacation homes. Since President
Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for
the worse. I lost my job. I lost my two sons in that terrible
Iraqi War. I lost my homes. I lost my health insurance. As a
matter of fact, I lost virtually everything and became homeless.
Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living
like an animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me.
I will do anything to insure President Bush's defeat in the
next election. I will do anything that Senator Kerry wants to
insure that a Democrat is back in the White House come next year.
Bush has to go. I just thought you and your readers would like
to know how one senior citizen views the Bush Administration.
Thank you for taking the time to read my letter.
Sincerely, Saddam Hussein
__________________________________________________