1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
6. A dog's parents never visit.
7. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
8. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
9. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
10. Dogs seldom outlive you.
11. Dogs can't talk.
12. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
13. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
15. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
17. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
18. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
19. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.
20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
22. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
23. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.
24. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pick-up truck.
25. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.
And, last but not least:
26. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
(Sorry girls but I laughed.)
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Friday, August 27, 2004
Alligator Shoes
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but she was very reluctant to pay the high prices the locals vendors were asking for the highly prized shoes. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a decent price."
The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, y'all just go and give it a try, why doncha!"
The blonde turned on her heels and headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch herself an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he pulled over to the side of the levee where he spotted that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spotted a huge nine-foot alligator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she took aim, killed the creature, and, with a great deal of effort, hauled it onto the slimy swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper stood on the bank and watched this scenario in amazed silence. Just then, the blonde struggled and flipped the gator on its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in frustration, she shouts, "Damn! This one is barefoot too!
I don't write em, just forward the Humor on....... Luv, Diane :)
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The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, y'all just go and give it a try, why doncha!"
The blonde turned on her heels and headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch herself an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he pulled over to the side of the levee where he spotted that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spotted a huge nine-foot alligator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she took aim, killed the creature, and, with a great deal of effort, hauled it onto the slimy swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper stood on the bank and watched this scenario in amazed silence. Just then, the blonde struggled and flipped the gator on its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in frustration, she shouts, "Damn! This one is barefoot too!
I don't write em, just forward the Humor on....... Luv, Diane :)
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Sunday, August 22, 2004
Scrabble Anyone?
Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
DORMITORY
When you rearrange the letters
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN
When you rearrange the letters
BEST IN PRAYER
DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters
A ROPE ENDS IT
GEORGE BUSH
When you rearrange the letters
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE
When you rearrange the letters
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES
When you rearrange the letters
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY
When you rearrange the letters
IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW
When you rearrange the letters
WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS
When you rearrange the letters
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT
When you rearrange the letters
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES
When you rearrange the letters
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO
When you rearrange the letters
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA
When you rearrange the letters (With no letters left over and using each letter only once)
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
Yep! Someone with waaaaay too much time on their hands!
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DORMITORY
When you rearrange the letters
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN
When you rearrange the letters
BEST IN PRAYER
DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters
A ROPE ENDS IT
GEORGE BUSH
When you rearrange the letters
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE
When you rearrange the letters
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES
When you rearrange the letters
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY
When you rearrange the letters
IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW
When you rearrange the letters
WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS
When you rearrange the letters
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT
When you rearrange the letters
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES
When you rearrange the letters
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO
When you rearrange the letters
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA
When you rearrange the letters (With no letters left over and using each letter only once)
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
Yep! Someone with waaaaay too much time on their hands!
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Sunday, August 08, 2004
Lawyers: Beware the Questions You Ask
Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer:
In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand a grandmotherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.
The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do,he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?
"She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.
"The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks that bitch if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."
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In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand a grandmotherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.
The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do,he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?
"She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.
"The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks that bitch if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."
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Nobody Believes Old People
Everyone thinks we are senile.
An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood and are celebrating their sixtieth wedding anniversary. They walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had carved "I love you, Sally."
On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, and it's fifty-thousand dollars. The husband says, "We've got to give it back." She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" She says, "No." The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile." But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning." The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..." The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "We're outta here..."
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An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood and are celebrating their sixtieth wedding anniversary. They walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had carved "I love you, Sally."
On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, and it's fifty-thousand dollars. The husband says, "We've got to give it back." She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" She says, "No." The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile." But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning." The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..." The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "We're outta here..."
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Prison / Work?
Just in case you ever got the two mixed up, this should make things a little bit more clear. . . .
IN PRISON... You spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... You spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON... You get three meals a day.
AT WORK... You only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON... You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK... You get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON... The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK... You must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON... You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK... You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON... You get your own toilet.
AT WORK... You have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON... They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK... You can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON... All expenses are paid by the taxpayer with no work required.
AT WORK... You pay all the expenses to go to work and pay taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON... You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK... You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON... You must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK... They are called managers.
So... Why is it again that we work?
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IN PRISON... You spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... You spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON... You get three meals a day.
AT WORK... You only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON... You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK... You get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON... The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK... You must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON... You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK... You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON... You get your own toilet.
AT WORK... You have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON... They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK... You can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON... All expenses are paid by the taxpayer with no work required.
AT WORK... You pay all the expenses to go to work and pay taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON... You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK... You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON... You must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK... They are called managers.
So... Why is it again that we work?
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Living in 2004
You know you're living in 2004 when ..
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
Go on (copy & paste) and forward this to your friends ...You know you want to!
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1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
Go on (copy & paste) and forward this to your friends ...You know you want to!
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Grandpa's Viagra
There is a merry family gathering with all generations around the table. The little children (naughty little rascals) smuggle a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink. After a while, Grandpa excuses himself because he has to go to the bathroom. When he returns, however, his trousers are wet all over.
"What happened, Grandpa?" he is asked by his concerned children.
"Well," he answers, "I had to go to the bathroom. So I took it out, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!"
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"What happened, Grandpa?" he is asked by his concerned children.
"Well," he answers, "I had to go to the bathroom. So I took it out, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!"
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Chris Rock Quote
Quote attributed to Chris Rock: "You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, and the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese. The Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the US of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush,' 'Dick,' and 'Colon.' Need I say more?"
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The Blonde taking out a Loan...
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan. The Banks president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the Banks underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blonde replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Finally, a smart blonde joke.
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Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blonde replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Finally, a smart blonde joke.
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The Heir
Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. "I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars. "The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.
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Truisms
1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said Implants?" She hit me.
4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
5. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
6. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
7. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
8. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
9. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...But, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...That was fun!"
10. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
11. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
12. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
13. Just remember...If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
14. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
15. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called LABOR!
16. Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
17. Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?
18. Bumper sticker: "If you can read this, thank a teacher...And since it's in English, thank a soldier."
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2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said Implants?" She hit me.
4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
5. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
6. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
7. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
8. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
9. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...But, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...That was fun!"
10. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
11. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
12. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
13. Just remember...If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
14. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
15. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called LABOR!
16. Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
17. Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?
18. Bumper sticker: "If you can read this, thank a teacher...And since it's in English, thank a soldier."
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Monday, August 02, 2004
Terrorist Alert
Recently we have received credible intelligence that there have been seven terrorists working in your office. Fortunately, six of the seven have been apprehended. Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin, Bin Drinkin and Bin Behind-Kissin have all been taken into custody. At this time, no one fitting the description of the seventh cell member, Bin Workin, has been found at your office. We are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot. You are OBVIOUSLY not a suspect at this time.
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Crayons
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.
The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors but they all have to learn to live in the same box.
You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
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Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.
The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors but they all have to learn to live in the same box.
You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
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Irish Humor
Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Connor," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy... "Mrs.. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
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An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
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Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee." ========================================
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?
"She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
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AND THE BEST FOR LAST
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin; there's no paper on this side either.
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"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Connor," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy... "Mrs.. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
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An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
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Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee." ========================================
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?
"She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
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AND THE BEST FOR LAST
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin; there's no paper on this side either.
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The Horse Auction
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
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Unusual Funeral
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" "My husband's."
"What happened to him?" The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
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A Woman's Prayer
Dear Lord, I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man.
Love, To forgive him and;
Patience, For his moods.
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll just beat him to death.
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The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" "My husband's."
"What happened to him?" The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
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A Woman's Prayer
Dear Lord, I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man.
Love, To forgive him and;
Patience, For his moods.
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll just beat him to death.
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Parent Job Description
This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way, none of us would have done it!!!!
POSITION: Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy or Father, Pop, Dad, Daddy
DESCRIPTION: Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life, you must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlook's. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT &PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and then wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.
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POSITION: Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy or Father, Pop, Dad, Daddy
DESCRIPTION: Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life, you must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlook's. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT &PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION:Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and then wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.
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An Honest Mistake
An honest man is being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turns yellow in front of him. He does the honest thing, and stops at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman hits the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she is still in mid-rant, she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer orders her to exit her car with her hands up. He takes her to the police station where she is searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.
After a couple of hours, a police officer approaches the cell and opens the door. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer is waiting with her personal effects. He says, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk." "Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
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After a couple of hours, a police officer approaches the cell and opens the door. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer is waiting with her personal effects. He says, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk." "Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
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