-July: Favorite Selections- and Great Quotes by Great Ladies!

Posted on Sunday, August 29, 2004

-July: Favorite Selections-

I'm back tracking here a bit, didn't get a chance to provide this service for July.They will have to be my selections, since there is no other input for July.

Favorite Joke of July 2004
"Los Angeles, California Driver's Exam"
I don't know if it's because I have to drive in LA on occasion, but this one cracked me up big time!

Favorite Link of July 2004
"Want more energy? First round is on us. "
Yes, this is my main link and the best liquid nutrition out there. In fact, Life Force started this whole craze twenty years ago. People are just now catching on, so be careful of those copy cat products out there. :)

Favorite Comedian Link for July 2004
"Laurel & Hardy"
This is one of my favorite duo's and was the most difficult site for me to find.

Be sure and get your votes in for next month.
Send an e-mail to Laughsonline@ABCcash.biz
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posted by Diane Nivens @ 7:02 PM 0 comments
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Great Quotes by Great Ladies!

Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened.
-Cora Harvey Armstrong

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
-Janette Barber

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
-Lily Tomlin

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
-Carrie Snow

Old age ain't no place for sissies.
-Bette Davis

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
-Rhonda Hansome

The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
-Jane Sellman

Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows.
-Jennifer Unlimited

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
-Charlotte Whitton

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
-Caryn Leschen

I try to take one day at a time but sometimes several days attack me at once.
-Jennifer Unlimited

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
-Catherine

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb and I'm also not blonde.
-Dolly Parton

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
-Sue Grafton

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
-Elayne Boosler

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
-Gloria Steinem

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt
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...And God Created Man

On the first day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of 20 years. "The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me 10 years and I'll give you back the other 10." So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a 20-year life span." The monkey said, "How boring. Monkey tricks for 20 years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back 10, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of 60 years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life. You want me to live for 60 years? Let me have 20 and I'll give back the other 40." And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you 20 years." Man said, "What? Only 20 years? Tell you what, I'll take my 20 and 40 the cow gave back and 10 the monkey gave back and 10 the dog gave back. That makes 80, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

So that's why the first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next 40 years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next 10 years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grand children. And for the last 10 years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
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Ouch!

A man was suffering from a stomach ache, so he told his wife who suggested he try the tablets the Doctor had given her for a similar pain. After taking his wife's tablets for a week, the pain disappeared but he developed two rather tender lumps, one behind each ear.

He went to his doctor, showed him the lumps, and explained what had happened. Where by the Doctor called him all the fools under the sun, saying, "You bloody idiot! I was treating your wife for a fallen uterus; God knows how I'm going to get your balls back down!"
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Texas Chili Cook Off

Submitted by Sarah Evans of The Best Veg Web Site

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City park.

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL. Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting so I accepted". Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)

CHILI # 1 EDDIE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 RONNY'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent fire house chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer...

CHILI # 4 DAVE'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300lb woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili anaphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

CHILI # 6 PAM'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 CARLA'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can ofchili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match myshirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 KAREN'S TOE NAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
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Generic Viagra?

Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Aleve is Naproxen, Amoxil is Amoxicillin, Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra and announced today they have settled on Mycoxafailin.

Also considered were:Coxafloppin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixadud, and Limpdixafixit.
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Plaque

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good mornin Alex." "Good morning pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Father McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the 9:00 or the 11:00?
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Whoops

After years of married life, a man finds he is unable to perform.
He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things, but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "This is all in your mind." And refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits, the psychiatrist confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say `1-2-3` and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?"

The witch doctor says "All you or your partner has to say is
"1-2-3-4" and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work
again for another year!"

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife
with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says
"1-2-3", and suddenly he gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says "What did you say "1-2-3" for?"
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Mothers From History

COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you
still could have written!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Can't you paint on walls like other
children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that
stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stove pipe hat?
Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?

MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to
school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade
than you."

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But it's your senior picture.
Can't you do something about your hair? OY! Styling gel, mousse,
something...?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you
throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance
good-bye!"

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you
invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have
to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew."
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Lunch With God

Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the beginning of the line there was a large pile of apples. A nun had written a note, "Take only one, God is watching."

At the end of the line there was a large stack of chocolate chip cookies. A boy wrote a note and left it on the cookies that said "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."
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Lion Tamer

Everyone is in awe of the Lion Tamer in a cage with a half dozen lions.

Everyone, except a school bus driver.

(I had to throw this one in because I am a school bus driver.)
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