Subject: Because of your concern, To all my friends and family. Thank you for making me safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy by sending me your chain letters over the last year.
Because of your concern:
* I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
* I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.
* I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
* I no longer eat OREOS because the trans fatty cream center will clog my arteries and kill me instantly.
* I can no longer check the return on pay phones because I could get pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
* I no longer use cancer causing deodorants, even though I smell like a wet dog on a hot day.
* I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.
* I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaida in disguise.
* I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops.
* I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
* I no longer eat pre-packaged foods because the estrogens they contain will turn me gay.
* I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
* I no longer look at the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
* I no longer have a cell phone because I don't want brain cancer.
* I no longer have any sneakers because I would hate to see all those poor kids in the sweat shops overseas suffering because I wanted a pair of Nike shoes.
* I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
* I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
* I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl about to die in the hospital for the 1,000 ,000,000th time.
* I no longer have any money but that will change once I receive the $18,624 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me since I participated in their special e-mail program.
I want to thank all of you soooo much for looking out for me!!!
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